Tuesday, 12 June 2012

How to get your girlfriend to have more sex with you

In todays post I wanted to answer a question from a chap that I found on the web, its a "how do I get more sex?" question, and the site wouldnt let me post my full response, so as its a fairly standard question and the answer is hopefully useful to all - I thought I'd answer it fully on my blog. Here is the original question...

"My girlfriend and I have been going out for 8 1 year and we live together and i need sex every night but she wants it 1-2 times per week so i try to get somthing going and she says she just dosint want to right now"

And here are my thoughts...

I guess the first question would be - how is your relationship? I'm guessing its in a reasonably good place because she is still happy to have sex with you 1-2 times per week. But if its not then sorting it out would be the first step to getting yourself more. There are loads of things you can do to improve your relationship, I wont go into them all here as it could take forever! but a few pointers would be to...
  1. Ensure that you arent arguing
  2. Not to put your partner down. 
Once you are happy that your relationship is in a good place there are a number of things that I'd suggest that you stop doing if you want more sex...

  1. Quit constantly pursuing your partner for sex. If you are doing this it may well be putting her off of sex with you.
  2. Try not to remind / tell her that you arent getting as much sex as you'd like to be getting. Again this will more than likely only put her off of getting into bed with you more than the 1-2 times you are getting at the moment.
  3. If you've tried initiating sex with her, but she rejects you - then don't "close down" afterwards - just make sure that you are still being "okay" with her - and definetly dont punish her for not giving you sex the number of times per week that you want it.
There are loads more things you should stop if you are doing them, but those are the biggies to watch out for.

Okay - so, having stopped doing those things, start doing this stuff...

  1. Make sure that you are connecting to her, and do this daily, not just when you want sex. How do you connect to your girlfriend more? Spending more time with her is an obvious one, sending her romantic messages if you are away from her during the day would be another, and touch is also really important - non-sexual touch when you are just "connecting" though, ie holding hands, touching her on the small of her back, etc., talk with her more, listen well, and when you do - make sure that you are making her feel important.
  2. Are you helping her out with stuff around the house? It's possible that she might not be giving you sex the number of times you want it becuase she resents you for not helping her with all of the dull domestic chores.
  3. Ensure that you are positively boosting her self-esteem - thats positively boosting her mind, and also ensuring that you are giving her positive boosts about her body as well.
  4. Ensure that you appreciate her, ie appreciate the nice stuff that she does for you, and of course the routine dull stuff, perhaps she's cooked a nice tea for you, make sure that you say "thank you".
  5. Are you setting aside decent quality time for the both of you to relax and connect?
  6. Make sure that you are pleasing her in bed - vary your sexual repertoire, dont always do the same thing in the same order, at the same time, in the same way - again this is a huge topic, for which there are loads of books out there to help you. Just try and mix it up a bit, try a new technique to please her when you do get into bed, try some different positions, are you satisfying her before you satisfy yourself? You are looking to ensure that she's getting some serious pleasure from the experience of sleeping with you, but also to get her feeling excited about getting into bed with you because she's not sure what to expect.
Start watching out for those good opportunities to initiate sex with her... its more likely to be a good opportunity to initiate when...
  1. You arent going to get interuppted.
  2. Youve both been watching a romantic film with some erotic content (and the erotic content has done some of the work to get your partner thinking about sex with you more).
  3. Its not really late in the day and she's only thinking to herself "I need to get up for work in 8 hours, I need to get some sleep".
And when you spot a good opportunity try this to intiate sex with her...
  1. Make sure that you are "connected" with your girlfriend; build the emotional connection you’ll need, make her feel valued and special, use all available technology to ensure that you've connected with her during the day, ie if you've been away from her, send her romantic messages, telling her, for example - that you "cant wait to see her later on", make sure that you've built up your non-sexual touching prior to initiating sex with her.
  2. Make sure that she is relaxed and romanced - has she had time to switch between "hectic work mode" and getting home? Or does she have 101 things on her mind that, for example, she's got to get done at work, or to get done around the house - so ask her if "theres anything you can do to help?", if theres stuff that needs doing around your house for example, if there is then make sure you do it, or perhaps she just wants to talk out her day with you to get those things off her mind. Relaxing and romancing her is basically you showing her that you care for her and that you've been thinking about her, so just do nice stuff for her, ie make her a delicious meal, run her a bath and pour her a glass of her favourite drink to have whilst she's in the bath, put some relaxing, romantic music on that you'll both like, offer to rub her shoulders, flirt with her, make her laugh, and above all - be a gentleman and treat her like a lady.
  3. Thirdly - undertake a little foreplay on her mind; make her feel sexy and build her desire for sex with you by working on her emotions. Get her thinking about sex as much as possible –activate her sexual imagination - you do this through the conversations that you have - this is a huge topic, but to give you some pointers - you won't be seducing your partner into the sack with you if you are having ordinary mundane conversations about the weather, or what you're both going to be doing at work tomorrow, make them fun, exciting and romantic instead - talk about past memories that you've both shared, talk about your future, build rapport with her, start to build your conversations up towards those with sexual context, ie a little bit of sexual innuendo here and there - your aim is to build the sexual tension.
  4. Go for some foreplay on her bod - make sure that you have built up your touch (ie going straight for her genitals is bad!), hold her hand lots, kiss lots, play footsie with her under the table, play with her hair, use your fingers and lips on her more sensitive zones, turn your conversations up a notch - tell her how beautiful you think she is, ask her about her sexual fantasies. Massage is also a great way to get her in the mood, start with a back or leg rub, and build it up to more sensual massage.
  5. And finally, ‘initiate’ sex! Again, a huge topic, and there are many ways to actually initiate sex, but just be bold about it, initiate with confidence.

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