Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Brilliant ways to get absolutely no sex from your wife over the Jubilee weekend

It's been the long Jubilee weekend here in particularly rainy England, and I've been observing the crazy behaviour of a few hapless male guests towards their partners at a couple of street parties that we've attended. So I thought I'd write (sarcastically) about how much sex these chaps probably weren't going to be getting on any of those chilly bank holiday evenings…
Don't answer her question
If there is something that is concerning your partner, or if she’s asking you a direct question then the best thing to do if you want loads more sex with her is to shrug, say "whatever" (or similar words to that effect) and then either walk off or simply continue watching the football, under no circumstances give her a proper response. If something is important to your partner then try to give it as little of your time as is possible, and definitely don’t show any respect for her needs. This will doubtless magically turn your partner into a sex crazed lunatic for you who will only want to whip her clothes off and leap onto your fine naked form as soon as the kids have gone to bed. It's pretty much guaranteed.

Also - if you are constantly getting questions such as “are you okay?”, “is something wrong?” or “what’s the matter?” - then you need to know two important things…
  1. Remember - your partner can read your mind, she knows exactly what you are thinking, so to be honest there is no point in wasting your time and energy explaining to her what the issue is.
  2. Secondly - if you do grace your partner with a verbal response then it's really not worth bothering thinking about what you are going to say before you say it. Just blurt out the first answer that arrives in your head - responses such as “aaaahhhhhh, leave me alone why don’t you” are fine and definitely won't be taken totally the wrong way by her.
  3. Give her absolutely no reassurance whatsoever that you are okay.
So in summary…
  • Always brush off most things she says, though "can I get a beer for you?" would obviously be one NOT to ignore, as not only is this a great offer, but it's also likely that such a question is an indirect request from her for sex.
  • Only ever be honest and open with her when it’s the appropriate moment - ie "shall we invite my Mum and Dad over for dinner?" would be one to honest about, likewise - if you are running late for dinner then a "do these shoes go with these earing's?" type question, would be another to be really honest about.
  • If you've had a really rubbish day at work, you just want 5 minutes on your own or if you’ve got a stomper headache then it's probably best to say nothing to your partner, she knows exactly what the matter is anyway because all women are brilliant at mind reading us chaps, so NOT giving her any sort of answer won't send her into a downward spiral at all and will only be seen by her as a very romantic gesture.

Keep as much stuff from her as you can
Definitely the best way to get loads more sex with your beloved is to keep as much of your life buttoned up inside your duffle coat as you possibly can. By keeping stuff from her it will of course make her feel really connected to you and will give her a really wondrous feeling of closeness to you. In fact why not just totally close down towards her, don’t say much at all, maybe some one word answers here and there. That should do the trick.

 Okay, that's probably enough of the sarcasm for one day! Hopefully you get the gist.

I posted up an intro video to The Get More Sex, Get Better Sex Course last week, so if you want some pointers in the right direction, rather what is definetly the wrong way to be going about getting more (ie following the advice above!), then start your journey at this video.


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